Monday, January 3, 2011

12/29/10 update

Well it is Wednesday!  I didn't even realize it and it is 7:42 p.m.!  
I am so glad that I am writing you tonight.  God has layed on my heart to do this and now I feel like I am at a point where I can't stop.  I look forward to it but it also is therapy for me.  It forces me to get off my chest (no pun intended) some of the things I feel.  

I wish you knew how much you mean to me.  I wish you knew how your words and gifts and expressions of love are encouraging me.  I look forward to everyone of them.  I layed here today feeling so tired and had my phone in hand and read some of your love letters to me.  They make me smile.  I hope I can make you smile.  Thank you for being my friends. 

Also I hope I am making sense.  I am feeling off so I don't know if I make a lick of sense so bear with me. 

Last night the chemo affected me like I had a bad case of influenza.  I ached all over very bad and my head felt like it was going to explode.  I couldn't eat and once I stood up and was talking to my Q and then out of no where, I fell over.  Just fell over!  It was the weirdest thing!  I didn't black out, just fell over.  It was rough.  Today I woke up much better.  I just deal with a headache and complete fatigue.  I fought the fatigue a little.  I just am not going to lay around here for a stinkin year!  I got outside, in my pj pants, and walked up and down my street for 10 mins hoping to get some energy.  It felt pretty good.  When I came back inside I found myself asleep for I don't know how long on the couch!  But to me..I walked, anyway, for 10 minutes!  So I had victory!  I am very tired right now and really forcing myself to write. 

I do want to share with you something that the Lord showed me today.  Maybe it will help you.
I found myself yesterday very angry.  Q was trying to encourage me and find things to be happy about with my diagnosis.  I wasn't at all happy to hear that I was Her2 positive.  I wasn't at all happy to hear that I had a year of chemo instead of 4 months.  And I was feeling like the doctor was sugar coating and not giving me the straight up stuff.  I am the kind of person that I want to hear the facts.  Tell me what I am up against!  Not the pretty stuff because you don't think I can handle it!  I am a fighter, tell how big the fight is going to be!  I don't play around!  OHHHH, I was angry!  I didn't want to hear the good stuff, only the bad. 
So, while I was sitting there getting my chemo for those 4 hours, I talked to God.  I asked Him what my problem was.  Did I want this to be bad?  Was I disappointed to hear good stuff?  Am I freaking crazy?!  Am I a glutton for punishment?! 
This morning I woke up.  
He was right there.
He answered me before my feet even touched the floor.
"Sweet heart, Your afraid.  Your very scared to hear and believe some of the good things because your bracing yourself in case it turns bad.  You don't want to be disappointed.  Your afraid of dying and leaving your babies and your husband so you are trying to grasp that so that you can fight that.  I am your fighter!  I will slay this enemy!  I ask you to put every ounce of trust in me.  Every.  It is okay to grasp on to the good things.  I will NEVER disappoint you!"

Do you see friends?  Sometimes it is easier to believe the bad and hard things in life is where we will be than to believe that we will actually have victory!  It is more comfortable to settle in the bad.  It takes more courage and a lot more faith to believe God. 

I didn't realize I was there.  But I see now.  And I gave it over to Him.  In Him do I put all my trust.  EVERY OUNCE!  And I choose to believe Him through this!  I will live and I will be healthier and happier and stronger when this is all over.  I am walking through this fire, but I will come out not even smelling like smoke!! 

I hope that made sense.  And I hope it blesses you.  I hope you put every ounce of trust in Him.  BECAUSE, The Lord is with you Mighty Warriors!!!


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