Thursday, February 3, 2011

Update 2/2/11

Yes, I know.  It's been awhile.
 I have had a hard couple of weeks, physically, and emotionally. 

Today I have wonderful news though.  Da, da, da duhhhhh:  My tumor has shrunk to the point that a radiologist, that read my CT Scans from last week, could not make out the tumor...Only the clip/marker that was placed inside to guide them to where the tumor was!!!  I also can not feel the tumor any longer!!  The chemo is working!!  Praise God!!!  

Physically, I have fought fatigue and weakness pretty heavily.  I have lost real taste for anything and gained a chemical/metallic taste.  
Last week my fatigue was so bad that I ended up being run back and forth between doctor, and hospital for a couple of tests to check my heart and blood clots in my lungs.  It was a scary day and even my doctor was a bit freaked out, but all of it came back good.  It is just that the three chemo medications that I am on are strong but I am on them once a week instead of every three weeks.  It all builds up in the system and I am going to have to work through it.  It is worth it for the great news!  Yes!

Emotionally I have fought quite a battle.  If I may be honest here, I will say that this past two weeks are the weeks that He had to absolutely carry me every step.  It has been tough.  I have fought with anger, self loathing, pride, complaining, despair, you name it... I felt it!  
There were days, most days, I didn't want to pray, or read the Word, or talk to people.  I just wanted to be in bed.  I felt so week, and sick to my stomach.  I had a hard time walking across the room.  I was discouraged beyond discouraged.  Sometimes, I would just weep.  That kind of weep that is so intense it almost hurts your body and makes you afraid your going to implode.  The only thing I knew to pray during those times were, "Please God!  Please Daddy, help me!  I can't not do this for the next 4 to 6 months!"  
During that time, He would whisper to me.  Just enough to cause me to perk up, only to fall back into my despair.  

Then, one day this week, and precious friend came to my house to bring my kids home from school.  I was deep in despair, in my bed.  She loves me so much that she came in and bombarded me.  She knew that I was isolating myself.  She didn't care about that junk, she just cared about me.  She wrapped her arms around me and I cried.  She listened to me.  She talked to me, and she left.  It was God in her.  And that act of obedience, caused me to yearn to come out of the driggs.  
No, push myself out of the driggs, and find my roar again!  
I realized over the next 24 hours that I have this little issue called perfectionism.  I am all or nothing!   If I can only operate physically at 50%, then I fall because it is not 100%.  In other words, my expectations of myself are not reality.  And despair and depression come when your expectations don't line up with reality.  God told me to rest in Him, and let Him fight this.  And I have been trying in my own strength to overcome it!  So, when I could only do little, I fell apart and did nothing, thinking that was all I could do.  

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I want you to know that I am so nothing with out Him!  I am in bed in darkness when I try to do it alone.  When I take the credit for any strength.  I am a week nobody, but in HIM, I am an overcomer!
Oh, I didn't realize I was doing this, and He knew that.  The best part is we still made it up this mountain a good ways because He was gracious enough to carry me while I was having my fit.  All along, He was whispering, "I got ya.  I got ya.  Hang on.  I am getting you there.  I will show you a way out, my sweet girl.  I got ya.  And I will never let go, because nothing...nothing..not even you can come between ME and you.  Nothing."

Do you see?  Do you realize that even when we are falling on our face and all we can do is extend our hand toward Him, He is FAITHFUL?  He is!  He doesn't stop!  He looks right past our insecurities, and junk and sees us as we are, and still carries us!  We don't have to be perfect!  We just have to be real!  He is Perfect Strength in our weakness!  It is not of God to be strength for Him! 

So, I am strong again.  Only because I fell down in repentance and surrendered.  He flowed through me and I am strong again.  He is teaching me so much.  I am learning more and more to anticipate the hard times for His glory to be revealed.  I am living on less and less of me, and more and more of Him!  What a glorious lesson!  What a glorious God!

We are still walking up this mountain, but now, I am walking with Him!  Holding His hand!  Shew!  We made it over that ledge and we are still trudging along!!  

Thank you for praying for me!  Thank you for hanging in there for me!  And most of all, Thank you Father God for MERCY!!!


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