Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Where I am at

I warn you..I am having trouble with my eyesight.  If any of this is misspelled or makes no sense...well, it is spelled right to me and makes sense in my head so I guess you just have to bear with me!  :) 
First I will give you the physical.  I am on three chemo medications.  Two of them are hard meds that has made me have the hard side effects.  One of them is easier.   Next Wednesday is the last day of my two hard chemos!!!  YES!!  Then I have the easier med for the rest of the year every three weeks instead of every week.  June 29th, I am having a double mastectomy, and I will also lose all of my lymph nodes on the left side.  While in surgery, they will begin reconstruction.  I will then have to recover from surgery.  I have to say I am so looking forward to getting energy back, and living among the living.  I praise the Lord for carrying me through this.
In the begining I wanted to be able to write you everyday and give you updates and carry you along with me. Obviously, that didn't happen.  I didn't know what I was in for.  In every aspect of this journey I have been surprised, and shaken to the core.  I have swung the gamut of emotions.  I have laid down and taken the beating and stood up and fought with gusto.   I wanted to arrogantly take ahold of my opponent and demolish it, in front of you and God!  But soon realized that there was nothing in Jennifer alone that could do it.  I had the talk down, but not the walk. 
So what did I do? 
I retreated. 
He didn't. 
He picked me up anyway and fought for me while I died to this ugly flesh.  And may I say, what an ugly death it has been!  Oh, the whining and complaining that has come from my mouth!  Oh the pity parties I threw for me.  And how disgusting I found myself!  I still am having trouble sitting in the same room with me! 
I have been in physical, and emotional agony.  I have felt violated by an outside source that has stolen the last 6 months of my life from me and is still on a stealing rampage!  I have still a bit of this road to go.  Not to mention the fact (get ready to hear some of my human thoughts) that, yes, I am afraid that this will come back!!  I have watched my children suffer through this and my husband gray a little more.  I have felt helpless.  But guess what?  I am!  I am helpless.  I have no control over these events.  It is all in His hands.  It always has been. 
This has been a surreal nightmare, but on the other side of this is going to be a dream come true.  We don't go through hell for nothing.  He has a plan!  God gave promises all through the Word to His people, but most of the time there was a waiting period and a hard journey to those promises.  Joseph had dreams, but had to go through so much before those dreams came about.  Every hard turn in his journey was a turn toward the fruition of the promise God gave him!  All of this in my journey, whether it is hard or easy, is a stepping stone to His promise in my life coming to pass.  If I don't go through this, I don't get there. 
God allows the valleys.  If we are in His will, then those valleys are never wasted. 
One thing I have learned in this, is that I don't have to be strong for the sake of looking strong.  I don't need man's approval.  I don't have to look like this spirital woman of God or that woman of God. 
I really don't need to even be seen anymore.  I don't want to look like them.  I don't have to please them.  I don't care if they don't like the way I worship my Jesus.  I just don't care anymore!  My kids don't have to keep up with their kids.  My life is not to please them.  Please understand, this is not me saying I don't care about people.  I do.  I just am saying that our focus as a family is changing.  My focus is changing.  Praise God!  We just don't see the importance of the things we used to chase.  We are not impressed with the empty things we once were.   We just wanna chase God!  He has shaken our lives for the good.  And He is not done.  And in hindsight, even though it has been hell, I would embrace it all over again to get the refining we are getting!  The fire is bringing the beautiful gold forth and the impurities are melting away.   
Thank you for all your prayers.  I have had so many cards, and gifts.  I have had wonderful friends bring meals over and over again.  Thank you all for those sacrifices.  Everytime we receive a meal or anything else we pray a blessing over your lives for your efforts.  I have a stack of unfinished thank you cards sitting on my desk.  I will eventually get them out.  You may be getting one a year after you brought a meal, but I will still get them out!!  God's people are such blessings to one another.  We see the love of God in each and every one of you.  You have cheered us on and loved us through.  Thank you so much! 

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