Saw a woman at the surgeon's office that was my age with a shaved head underneath a hat. She was a mirror image of me. She looked like she was doing everything possible to not fall apart. As she sat there, with her head down, looking defeated, I ached to grab her and look her square in the eyes and say, "You're gonna make it! You are!"
I just couldn't take her over the edge and cause her to fall apart. I know how she feels. When it is all you can do to hold it together.
The thoughts in your mind are swirling around in your head saying,
"Don't do this here.
Wait till you get home and crawl in your bed and press your face in the pillow.
Then you can just let it all out.
I can't believe I am here.
I can't believe I am actually sitting here...with this.
I can't breathe.
I can't cry..don't cry.
Stop it, Jennifer.
Think of something else...anything else.
Wonder what Quenton is doing?
Will I ever be me again?
Will I ever be healthy again?
Will I ever feel life again or will I always feel this prison of fatigue and pain?"
Oh if I could have been her pillow. Her shoulder. If I could have only been able to hold her and say, "I know..I know. It's going to be alright. It's all going to be ok. I don't know how, I don't know when. But it will..It will be okay." I wanted to cry with her and comfort her.
Let me just add something here..I didn't want to grab her out of my triumph. Oh no. Today, I didn't feel like it was going to be alright. In fact, I was feeling pretty lousy myself. I didn't feel the encouragement that I wanted to express to her. In fact I have a precious friend I was texting at the moment and she asked me how I was doing. I said "Okay." But I didn't feel okay. I was like the lady I saw. I didn't want to fall apart to my friend, yet again. I wanted to spare her from my pain. And if I really told her how I felt at that moment, not only would she get all my pain so would everyone else sitting in that room!
But even in my pain, I wanted to love the lady across the room. I didn't just want to, I yearned to!
Why do I say all of this? Two reasons.
Reason #1. No matter your condition, God can use you if you are willing. We don't have to be perfect in an area to be used in that area. Why? It's not us in the first place!! If I have learned anything in this journey, it is that I don't have what it takes, at all, to do what He has asked me to do! I felt like junk warmed over today. I wanted to fall apart. I was dealing with fears! So what was it that made me want to go to that lady and tell her what I so desperately needed to hear at that moment?? The peace of Holy Spirit! When I saw her, I was filled with the compassion of Holy Spirit. In my state, He not only filled me with His compassion for her, He did it out of His compassion for me too! He was loving both of us. He was able to pray through me and release His comfort over her and give me comfort at the same time. It is Him in us. I have seen that time and time again. Especially in the last six months. People come to me and say "Jennifer, you are so strong!" I hate to admit it, but I am as weak as they come! If it weren't for the power of God, I would have been gone a long time ago! He has given me the strength to do this!
And that brings me to Reason #2. He was not finished. I was not able at that time to go to her and declare to her that it is going to be okay. But I can now! He is moving my heart for those right now that feel like they have no idea how they can carry on. For those that feel like falling apart. Like they are doing everything possible not to lose it. That something as light as a feather could tip the scale and it all fall into the abyss of despair. It doesn't have to be breast cancer. It can be anything. Your marriage, your finances, your children.
His heart is turned toward you. Toward your situation. He hears you asking, "When God?" He sees your tears. He knows your pain. He knows it so personally that He grieves with you. You may not believe that, and that is okay. He doesn't have to prove that He does, but He will anyway. He never lies. He never speaks empty words. He never leaves you. And He never forgets you. You are His and He is yours. He is your comforter. He is your provider. He is your healer, your deliverer, and your peace. He is jealous over you, and sheilds you. He redeems you and sanctifies you. He brings beauty from your ashes. He brings joy from sorrow. He brings laughter out of your tears. He brings health from sickness. He sings promise out of dispair! No matter what we go through, who or what can separate us from His love? That is the strength that we stand on! That is why we can keep going! It is His might! It is His grace! In your dispair, reach out and and allow who He is to saturate you! We are going to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, but HE-IS-WITH-YOU! (Ps. 23)
We are gonna make it! We will.. By His grace..We will!