Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Can I just be honest with you?  I have had the worst day.  
I really can't figure out what, in the world, I am supposed to be feeling.  I don't like to be out of control but I sure feel like I am.  
I don't like me right now at all.  
I am tired of me.  I want a break from me.  I would like to take a vacation from me!
Me is not me!  
I want to go back to my regularly scheduled program and do my regular things!  I don't want to be changing my life around to deal with this intruder!  
There are so many that are worse off than I am!  I am sick of the nasty little pity parties!  
I am grossing myself out!  
On top of that, I can't sleep!  I will wake up out of a dead sleep because of the chemo!  Even though those times that I wake up are good prayer times, especially for Tarah, my friend who is fighting a worse battle with breast cancer, it is still very hard on my body!  It isn't the same to go with out sleep now like it was before chemo.  
So today, I just cried and cried and prayed and cried and prayed and tried to rest and couldn't and blah blah blah...gross gross and more GROSS!  

So I text my sis/best friend.  "Am I losing it?!  Did I cross the threshold into WOO WOO Land?!"  
"No."  She says.  
"Are you sure I am not flying like the eagles...into the future?!" I say.  
"No, sis.  There is A LOT going on.  You are doing just fine."

Well, okay then, but I am just saying...I am not feeling like the girl for this job.  I am not thinking that God should have trusted me to carry this!  

So I just say to Him, "Lord, here I am, totally empty and totally nothing.  Absolutely nothing do I have left.  You will just have to take it from here.  I am sorry for trying to hold it together again on my own."

So I laid my head down on my pillow cried again and released control.

A soft knock on my door.  It was my oldest daughter.  "Mom." she said quietly.  "Is it okay if I read you something? It is from one of the books we are reading for class and it reminds me of you."  

To be honest, I really didn't feel like it, but I couldn't turn her preciousness down.  

Here is what she read:

"Hell has thrown the kitchen sink at me, and I'm still fighting the good fight.  I'm still enduring!  I'm still standing!  I will not bend, bow, or burn!  I will not look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be quiet.  My past is forgiven; my present is redeemed; my future secure.  I no longer need position, prominence, or popularity.  I don't have to be right, recognized, regarded, or rewarded. 
I now live by faith and walk in divine anointing.  My face is set; my gait is fast, my goal is heaven; my road is narrow; my way may be rough and my companions few.
I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.  I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of the adversary.  The devil's mad, and I'm glad!"  Author, John Hagee


All I had to do is surrender control and give up so that the real Fighter could again show up!  That is the fight He puts in us!  God walked in my bedroom, through my daughter, and called out to me through those words.  And because I recognized those traits, I sat straight up in my bed as if He was calling out my name!  

He knows exactly how to calibrate us through our storms.  He knows exactly what we need and when we need it.  He will speak to you in the very manner that will cause you to sit right back up out of your bed and get right back on your feet!  All we have to do is surrender.  


No comments: