Monday, January 3, 2011

Update 12/21/10

I wanted to update you friends on the latest and share my heart with you.  You are not obligated to read any of this.  It just helps keep you updated if you want and gets some stuff off my chest. 
I will give you details up front and if you don't want to read the rest then your free to be. 

Before doing that I want to make sure you know how much I dearly appreciate all of you.  I wish I could do something to show you how much.  God is teaching me how to be vulnerable and recieve.  Not easy.  God has hand picked you to be my friends.  He put you in my life so that I could be encouraged to put one foot in front of the other.

I have surgery on Thursday to have a port put into my chest around my collar bone.  They are putting me out to do the procedure.  So at least I will get a little rest. 
Today I had to see my doctor and go do pre-op for the procedure.  When I went in they found that I have a low grade fever.  This is now the 5th day of a low grade fever.  They drew blood to make sure it is not an infection and results showed negative.  We really don't know why I have a fever.  I guess I need to bring that up with the doc.  But I have to drink lots of fluids between now and Thursday to see if that helps.  I can't have fever for surgery.  So please pray for me. 
Then I went shopping as I have done none!  I got it all done in 4 hours!  Thank you Lord.  I sure didn't feel like it and He helped me.

I had to engage my will and pull my discouraged body out of the bed.  I feel done with this.  Yesterday, I called my friend and just bawled.   I said through tears, "I don't want to do this!"   I don't!  I really hate this!  I am angry!  I was minding my own buisness and this jerk (cancer) just came up and sucker punched me!  I feel violated and ripped off!  That is how I feel!  I don't want to be someones hero!  I don't want to be strong!  I don't want to be courageous!  I want to turn back and I am helpless because  I can't!  I am out of control and I want to be IN control!  I am spittin mad!  OKAY?!  DO YOU HEAR ME??!!  YES, I AM SCREAMING THROUGH MY FINGERS AND CRYING RIGHT NOW AND LAUGHING AT MYSELF AT THE SAME TIME!  But seriously, that is how I feel right now.  Please don't get me wrong.  I do love your encouragement.  I am just having a hard time with why I am getting the encouragement.  Please know that your words mean so much to me.  It is the circumstances that I am screaming at.  It is the circumstances that have ran towards me and knocked my feet out from under me.  And I just want to CUSS! 

But, then...God. 
When I pulled myself up from the bed, the same strength that pulled Jesus up under that cross to carry it up that hill was flowing through me.  When I took a deep emotionally labored breath, I could feel the same breath that filled His son as He labored to carry our sins to that cross, flowing through me.  As I slowly put one foot in front of the other, really wanting to turn back and go hide in my bed, the same determination that caused Jesus to put one foot in front of the other to share the gospel, knowing that each step was a step closer to the torture of the cross, pushed me on. 

You see, when we go through things that want to take us down, we have to allow God to reach in and pull us up.  We have to remember to encourage ourselves in Him.  I didn't want to listen to worship today but I forced myself to turn it on and I began praising Him anyway!  I listened to it all the way to the doc and then found myself smiling at strangers and speaking to them about the love of the Lord!  I told them that He is Lord over all circumstances and that I will do just fine.  At one point the thought ran through my mind that I, just a few hours ago, was so down and now I feel so full of joy!  That is the glory and the peace and the joy of the Lord.  His joy is our strength!  And sometimes, most of the time, whether you have cancer or a stubbed toe, you have to press in hard to choose joy!  No matter your situation, His joy is ever present!  He has so much for us that He wants to pour out. 
I am determined to forever praise His name! 

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