Update 4/21/11

I cant sleep, as you can see from the time.  I have a hard time sleeping on Wednesday nights as that day I get a bag of steroids with my chemo and it winds me up.  I had to take something to help me sleep.  Well, I am still awake.  So I decided to share with you.  I may seem a bit disconnected after taking the sleeping aid.  Sorry for that. ;)

Yes, it has been a long time.  To be honest with you, I have just went away for a while to deal with the physical, and psycological aspects of this journey.  I have had many ups and more downs.  God has given me little breaks along the way to refresh me.  

I have missed you.  I have missed me.  Me seems so far away from where I am at right now.  Sometimes I stop and look around me and it all feels so surreal.  My life has forever changed.  I miss everyday life.  Picking up my kids, grocery shopping, cleaning house, spending the weekends with my family and friends.  I miss excersizing, and driving.  I miss what I thought was mundane.   I miss being there for others.  Running here and there when someone needed me.  Working at my church.  Being around my people.  Oh, I digress.  You get the picture.  

I know that time is coming again, and the good Lord knows there are so many suffering that I want to help.  But He has allowed me to be one to be helped.  That has, over the last couple of months been a struggle between He and I.  

But I am learning.

It could seem like life is passing me by out there.  Life goes on.  My kids are growing.  And it is spring planting time, and this is the year we have no flowers.  Well, outside anyway.  But if I look deep inside and reflect over this last five and a half months, I see a garden within this family that is begining to bloom in many different beautful colors!  God has been at work in my darkness.  He has never left me.  He has never forsaken me.  He has asked for my trust and through many tears and painful times I have made myself call out to Him and say, "I still trust you!!"  I am learning that whether I see what I want to see in this or not, He is orchestrating a beautiful song that will play His glory.  He will see me through for His benefit and mine.  He will see this through for the benefit of His and Quentons.  For His and all of my children.  There is not one person in this house that has not been affected by growth.  Each of us are walking through the learning of His will.  From dad, to mom, to each kid, we have all had hard emotional and lonely times.  But the night we had to tell our kids that I had cancer, we made a pact to grow closer and stronger.  We are doing that.  God is bringing a special calling on each of us.  He is ministering to each broken spirit.  We have been going through this fire, but will come out not even smelling like smoke!

May 25th should be my last chemo treatment on the hard medicines.  I have three chemo meds.  Two of them, the hard ones, will stop.  I will then have surgery a couple of weeks later. After that I will go back to chemo on the easier medicine.  I am excited.  My hair, eyelashes, and brows will start growing back.  My energy should pick up substantially.  I can't wait!  Although, there is a part of me braced that things won't be as good as I am imagining, but at least they will be better.  

Thank you friends for your continued prayer.  I hope you can see that I do feel so tremendously blessed.  Yes, I have had hard times, but I still feel so blessed.  I am humbled by the cards I still recieve, and the meals that come through our doors and the different ones showing up to clean my floors.  The ones caring for and picking up my kids.  I am overwhelmed by the love of Gods people.  Thank you for it all!  

jen