Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Where I am now.

It's been a long while.
I stopped.
I stopped sharing and I retreated.  I don't apologize.  I had to.  I had to heal.  I still have to heal.  I have been in a separate place with Healer.  He has been so precious and patient.  He has carefully and tenderly touched all of my wounds that are on the surface as well as the ones deep within.  I walk in a place where, to the outside world, everything looks better.  Everything looks healed.  I have my hair back.  My eyelashes are fuller.  My color is normal.  And I have more energy.  But, they can not see the tears behind the doors.  They can not understand that my husband, kids, and I are shell shocked.  We are in realization mode.  We realize we have come through the scariest battle of our lives and we made it.  We rejoice and we grieve.  We still deal with some fatigue.  We still deal with some problems brought on by chemo.  I still have some foggy thoughts and memory issues because of chemo.  I still have somewhat of a  hard time when it comes to fighting off illnesses.  I still have some pain in my joints and bones.  I still have some important decisions to be made over my health.  Scary things.  Hard things.
Oh, I am not complaining.  Really I am not.  I don't feel aggravated by those who don't understand why I can't sign up for this or that.  Or wonder why I am not doing the things they think I should or can.  I wouldn't understand either.  It's okay.  It is.  It is our journey.  Specific to us.
We take each day as it comes.  Every day is beautiful.  Every day is precious.  Every day is a step further away from the eye of the storm.  Every day we bask in the loving kindness of Father God.  The sovereignty of our Lord and King.
Cancer will always be a word that I am very familiar with, BUT more than that...way more... HEALER is a word that I have become deeply intimate with.

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